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Entry tags:
week 3; comfort
[it's frustrating. it's upsetting.
this is definitely not how this was supposed to go. one death a week (two, with execution) was bad enough, but this? three dead in one day, plus the others that had been found earlier in the week. not to mention... a culprit, or whoever it is that ends up being the scapegoat.
he probably shouldn't think of that yet.
but it's on noct's mind as he enters the hotel—and he freezes in the doorway upon seeing xion there, looking as if she's in a hurry to leave. but still—he...
he should say something, right? she might want to be left alone, because he sure as hell knows he needed alone time more than once after losing people, but still.]
Xion...
[well. he tried, but he's not sure what to say just yet.]
this is definitely not how this was supposed to go. one death a week (two, with execution) was bad enough, but this? three dead in one day, plus the others that had been found earlier in the week. not to mention... a culprit, or whoever it is that ends up being the scapegoat.
he probably shouldn't think of that yet.
but it's on noct's mind as he enters the hotel—and he freezes in the doorway upon seeing xion there, looking as if she's in a hurry to leave. but still—he...
he should say something, right? she might want to be left alone, because he sure as hell knows he needed alone time more than once after losing people, but still.]
Xion...
[well. he tried, but he's not sure what to say just yet.]
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Then she stares at the doorway.
And, almost imperceptibly, her countenance softens, just a little, tiny bit. ]
... come with me?
[ It's quiet, and tentative. Steel threads her spine again as soon as she says it, and whatever door inside her that had swung open for just a moment, just a little bit, slams shut. Her jaw flexes as she stares at the floor. ]
If you've got time.
[ ... ]
It's going to take a while.
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[there's not a shred of hesitation in his voice. if she wants his company, then he'll offer it without a shred of hesitation.
he doesn't push or prod beyond boundaries, not yet. he knows that doesn't work—not at a time like this. not when the feelings are so raw and so real that you can taste it in the back of your throat and feel it stinging your eyes every time you blink.
things need to settle. if she wants to talk, if she wants to explain—if there's some kind of support she needs, he can do his best to give it. he has no idea what that's worth, especially after their previous clash. but... sometimes company is enough.
one step at a time.]
Got all the time in the world right now. [he doesn't even know where they're going, but he's prepared, in any case.]
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He'd understand, wouldn't he? What this feels like. He's lost people, too.
Xion breathes out, and that sigh trembles.
Seeing the life still in her will make it obvious just how hard she's fighting to tamp it back out again. She evens out and calms and it's like none of that ever happened at all. All of her agony locked away neatly in some compartment in her mind, where it can't stop her from doing what she needs to do. ]
... okay, [ she says. Thanks, she means. With no further preamble she'll lead the way out the door.
Pluto isn't with her, if that's worth noting. Where could he be?
It's only once they're outside that she finally explains. ]
I want to go to the homestead. Riku ... was staying there, instead of living at the hotel. I want ...
[ ... she doesn't know what she's hoping she'll find. But she has to look. ]
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[what they may find, neither of them can know. but noctis at least understands what it is she wants to do here. it's completely understandable, and it's not as if he can't say he wouldn't want to do the exact same.
when he got word of his father's death, the first thing he wanted to do was head back to the citadel in insomnia—which ended up not being possible, but still. it's natural. it's a natural response, and it's one that he's completely capable of understanding.]
Better you don't go alone if we're going that far out. [which is to say... he definitely feels better about tagging along.
but there's something he will add.]
Don't... just try to hold it all in. [he can see she's trying and he can see the breaks in her composure.
he gets that too. with how much, even now, only a few weeks after losing a lot that was dear to him—he's still mourning and still just trying to keep his head up and pretend he's okay when he's more than halfway to done with everyone's shit.] You'll explode if you don't.
[maybe not literally, but the tension will build and she may end up saying or doing something she regrets from grief. even if it's just a little, noctis still things she should get some of this out before the trials rolls around.]
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[ She trusts Noctis. Even if they fight. Maybe because of it. He's ... her friend. He has been since the very beginning.
Her mind's eye supplies her with a mental image of his head on a pillow, and she briefly pitches forward, nearly stumbling. She collects herself quickly, and it almost might look like she just stumbled thanks to her foot. She steadies quickly.
Don't try to hold it all in.
Xion keeps her head down, quiet, quiet, quiet. For a long time it might seem like she won't say anything at all.
When she finally does talk, her voice shakes. ]
I can't. If... I have to keep going.
[ If she stops, if she lets herself cry, she's not sure if she'll be able to stop. ]
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[he knows. he gets it. he knows how endless despair feels, and how much easier it seems to try and just push forward while holding it in like this.]
But it doesn't work. [that he can say with certainty. he speaks from the experiences of his own life, of that of his friends and how much it all backfired on him.]
Holding it in—you'll make it worse for yourself. [that's all it does. because you hold it in, and then you explode. you take your grief out on undeserving people. you blame yourself for the things you could never have helped to begin with. you cause other people pain and concern, and then the guilt for your actions just piles up until it's a crushing, impossible weight to bear.
he doesn't want that for her. xion doesn't deserve to have that kind of pain piled on her. she's innocent here, she's a victim of this situation as much as anyone else.]
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[ She starts, and then immediately cuts herself off, swallowing. It's such a cruel thing to ask, she thinks. But at the same time, she doesn't know. She doesn't know how to do any of this. She never felt things like this back home. Of course, back home, she never actually watched a friend die, much less had to see their mutilated corpse. Nobodies just don't ... die like that. They fade away. It's still awful, but somehow less visceral.
Xion swallows, and when she continues, her voice is thick. ]
How did you do it? How did you ... keep moving?
[ A family is an alien concept to her. But love is not. And losing someone you love is a pain that she knows Noctis uniquely understands. ]
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[but it seems like grieving is new to her. he gets it—not everyone has had the experiences he'd had. he's been seeing an experiencing loss like this for so much of his life, thanks to the efforts of niflheim. the last few had been possibly the worst, but...
he still knew how to grieve, at least.]
It's hard. There's... not a day I don't think about them. That I don't... wish I could've saved them.
[luna, especially. she was right there. it wasn't like with his dad, or jared, where he wasn't even there even if he wanted to be. with luna—she'd given everything to make sure he could do what needed to be done, and her life was the price somehow, unfairly.]
I think I was a zombie for a long time. I got lucky... lucky to have friends to remind me that I couldn't wallow forever. We're still alive. We're alive, and we have things we need to do.
So we have to find a way to pick up our heads and keep fighting. If we don't... they win. That's what they want, the people who will kill the ones who never deserved it. Not just here. Anywhere that happens.
[it's something like that. he's not really sure how to put it into words.]
But picking it up doesn't mean ignoring that it hurts. You do that, you'll hurt other people too. A lot.
[that he knows for sure. he caused so much pain by being selfish and keeping it all in, by not facing things properly and trying to deal with them on his own. he moped instead of doing anything helpful at a time when they needed him until things got explosive—a feeling that's still very raw to him.]
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At which point her expression twists into something tortured, full of grief, and she has to stop walking. ]
We're alive, [ she whispers, and the words might hurt more than anything she's ever said. ]
We have to stop them, [ she says, more strongly now, though her voice wavers with tears. ] There's no way ... we can let them win. We can't!
[ She didn't want this. She chokes on her tears and rubs at her face and she didn't want this. But now that she's started it's like she can't stop, the horror of the day slamming into her all over again. ]
Promise me you'll live, [ she abruptly whispers, not looking at him. ] I don't know what I'd do if we lost you too.
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so when she stops, noct shifts in front of her. and just like he'd done for iris so many years ago when she was lost, sad and scared after wandering off—he offers his support in the way he knows he can. it's somewhat brotherly, but comforting in the way he gives her a not-quite hug; one hand rests on her shoulder, the other atop her head.
let it out, xion.]
You're fooling yourself if you think I'm gonna die that easy. I got a whole kingdom counting on me, remember? [it's a gentle chide, one there to give a sense of normalcy where none truly exists—because she needs it right now.
they both do, but this isn't about him, and this is all he can really do for her, isn't it?]
We're not gonna let them win. We'll beat them at their sick game, no matter what. [she shouldn't worry about that part, because noctis is resolved to that much.
he can't let them win.
that's just not something he can allow, even if the price for that is steep.]
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His little joke makes her shoulders jump, though it's genuinely hard to say if it's a laugh or silent sob. Either way she nods quickly against him, just ... crying. This is something she's already done today, though maybe not like this. She was still trying to hold back earlier, to keep herself reined in. But she's genuinely trying to take his advice, because as much as she wants to resist, she can feel somewhere that he might be right. Hesitating and holding back hasn't exactly served her well in the past.
Her arm wraps around him to grasp at the back of his shirt instead and she just cries and cries. It's not loud or even very hard. She's tired. It's just ... grieving, which she's had to learn how to do on the fly in this horrible place.
Whenever it is she manages to calm down enough to speak, even if she hasn't quite stopped crying, she'll pull back just enough to be audible instead of all muffled against his shirt, though she doesn't look up at him. ]
When you get home, Noctis ... I think you'll be an amazing king some day.
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of course, he's not the most well-equipped for this, and it's been a long time since he's even had to be someone's emotional support in this manner. it's difficult when he's struggling too, but... this is what he has to do, isn't it? if he's going to be a good king, he needs to be able to support and understand people's struggles...
and help to guide them through trying times.
it feels like a test of ability, and he's without a clue if he can even pass it.
but that's why he remains this way, quiet and unmoving as xion cries it all out. he gets it. he understands the pain of loss, he's not going to try and rush her through this process. and even when she pulls away, however slight—his hand remains atop her head, ruffling gently at the hairs and letting out a bit of a noncommittal sound at her words.]
Don't know if I can ever live up to my dad. But... I'm gonna do my best.
[he's not really sure consoling teenage girls is any sort of metric for this, but he won't argue it, it's not the time for that at all.]