Entry tags:
week 7; confess
[it's that time again!
time for noct to avoid going back to his room and knock on milla's door... though he has a bit more of an agenda today. things he needs to do, people he needs to see.
the feeling of foreboding is too strong for him to ignore in every way.]
...Hey, it's me again.
time for noct to avoid going back to his room and knock on milla's door... though he has a bit more of an agenda today. things he needs to do, people he needs to see.
the feeling of foreboding is too strong for him to ignore in every way.]
...Hey, it's me again.
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[but Milla? well. . . despite everything, she remains Milla. she feels that unease, but she combats it by holding her head high and maintaining that sense of hope and determination that she had yet to lose. even though it's clear now that the odds are stacked against them]
[Noctis's visit isn't a surprise; he had offered to keep her company last week, after all. so when she hears the knock, then his voice, she opens the door with little hesitation]
Good evening, Noctis.
[she greets with a nod as she steps aside to let him in]
Can I help you with something, or are you just visiting?
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he's quick to step inside before even trying to answer her question.]
Uh... guess it's a little of both? [which... is true. he's visiting because he does want to see her and spend time with her—but he also has things he thinks he needs to find the resolve to say sooner rather than later.
he can't shake the heavy feeling that's washed over him in the last couple of days, that much he realizes he can't ignore, much as he wants to.]
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Of course. Ah. . . you do seem like you have something on your mind.
[she tilts her head]
I'd offer you some food or drink to settle down-- [like a good hostess should, or so her books tell her] -- but I'm afraid I don't have any with me at the moment.
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[it wouldn't be the first time he's shown up at people's doorsteps with food. but he's not sure that was appropriate for this situation anyway, and with his nerves all worked up...
he not sure he wants to do either.]
Guess... it's just one of those nights where being alone seems kinda crappy. [well, at least that part's easy to say.]
I've got a bad feeling about this week. Worse than before. [and milla's the only person he can go to when everyone else is being weird—and because there are things tied to this specifically he wants to tell her.]
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. . . is there a reason?
[or is the state of the town just getting to him? she has to ask, because now she's a little concerned]
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[like, alarmingly so.] The way he was being with me felt...
[maybe like one—or both—of them were going to die soon.]
But I guess that's just part of it.
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[killing is never easy. not even for her, who is able to do it so quickly, without hesitation]
[but at the same time, judging from Noctis's demeanor, she isn't quite sure that's it]
Can you tell me about it? What did he say? Perhaps I should try to speak with him myself.
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[he'll elaborate on that.]
With what happened with Hannibal, and the options to end the game. I guess... I just want to be ready for anything. Without regrets.
[but.] Percy was upset about it. And then he... hugged me. A lot.
[it... was a little strange, it was all in the way it happened.]
...I still want to tell you what I told him, too. But how he reacted seemed a bit weird for him.
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[. . .]
[she doesn't respond immediately. instead, she watches Noctis carefully, not an ounce of emotion visible on her features. she's turning this information over in her mind, trying to understand what it means, and she doesn't like some of the answers she's arriving to]
[. . .]
[she's calm when she finally does speak]
What did you tell him?
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he's quiet for a long moment, steeling himself for it. it's still not easy to say, but it's nothing too far off from what he's said to milla before.]
I've... made my peace.
[yeah.]
If I don't make it... I can accept it. [and yet.] But I want to make sure I have everything sorted out before we lose anyone else. That... there are as few regrets as possible.
[he doesn't want to die with regrets, and he doesn't want his friends to die that way either. and he wants... to make sure there are goodbyes, in some way, just as a safety.]
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[she thinks back to Higekiri's letter. to his request that both Shinnosuke and she come see him in the train. another reference to death in so many words]
[she wonders if this is what they were trying to tell her]
[her eyes slip shut as she breathes in deeply and lets it out slowly]
You made your peace a long time ago.
[she remembers their last conversation about what to do if either of them were chosen as Bandits, after all]
And I will do whatever I must do to assist in the ending of this game.
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and how they all seem to spell out something morbidly similar.
it's something he's accepting because he has to, not because he really wants to. because of course, he doesn't want to die—but he knows that with their numbers so thin, it's possible, and percy didn't exactly give him any assurance. it's a cloud, weighted over noct's head right now.]
I know you will. I will too, so long as I'm alive.
[but there is a bit of a distinct change in his tone that comes with how it goes when he thinks about it. the glimmer of who he needs be. of a fledgling king who would make sacrifices for his people. of a man that has the conviction to be all of those things, but he hasn't yet learned how to harness completely.]
We don't know what'll happen even tomorrow... so we shouldn't waste any time at all.
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[no matter how morbid the conclusion they reached might be, no matter what her duty as a Bounty might require her to do, she refuses to lose that spark]
I have always lived my life that way.
[it's true. she never hesitated to to what she felt had to be done. not once]
I hope, Noctis, that you decide to do the same.
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[he's not sure anything he's doing is giving up. he's just willing to accept a possibility hates, that he doesn't want or like. but...
hasn't that always been the duty of a king? to be able to give everything up in order to protect others. to be willing to sacrifice it—he was always on that path anyway/ what scared him so much abut becoming king, aside from the responsibility, was knowing that protecting the crystal would likely bring him to an early grave.
the output of magic to keep niflheim's forces out of insomnia and keep up a barrier is something that aged his father rapidly, to the point that before he'd even finished school, noct knew his father couldn't even summon weapons anymore—a staple of lucian royal magic.
that had always scared him shitless.
but with all he's seen and experienced now, it's a lot harder to fear death and dying the way he once did.]
I won't let this end with regrets. I already... had enough of those, when my dad died, and when Luna died.
[he's so serious right now—it's almost like he's found some way to channel some of that conviction that he admires so much in milla.
he looks at her, and his expression holds that so much, but there's still something softer and a bit warmer about it.] That's...
Part of why I wanted to come here tonight.
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It is?
[she could easily understand the implications of everything else he said, but the implications of that escape her]
What do you mean?
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even with all of his conviction, this is still unfamiliar territory he's treading.]
Yeah. Guess it might sound kind of stupid, though.
[okay, so maybe that stupid, shy kid hasn't faded completely.]
I, um. [he'll spit it out. but he definitely needs a minute—he's never done this and his nerves are definitely starting to flit to the surface, if just a little.
but after that pause, noctis opens his eyes, drawing in a breath. even if it's embarrassing beyond belief, he should say it.
that's what he's decided.]
I admire you. A lot. [which isn't surprising.] You never let anything stop you, and you fight for your beliefs, wherever you are. It's... I get why other people would admire you.
[but there's really nothing strange about that.] I didn't expect it—that your comfort would help so much. Nobody else had done that for me... or with me, before.
[there is a point he's getting to, slowly. but he's still not fully sure how to approach her, and he kind of wants to see how milla responds before he decides whether or not he should abort this, regrets or not.]
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[that's what he wanted to say. that's why he told her he didn't want to die without regrets. it makes sense all of a sudden, and understanding washes over her features. it's followed by the tug of a smile on her lips, and some fond warmth appears in her eyes too]
[she reaches out and grabs both of his hands with hers, holding them tightly-- but not so tight that it would hurt]
Noctis.
I'm glad I could be a source of comfort for you. Truthfully, you've been the same for me. I'm glad we are allies.
[yeah she's assuming he's thanking her for her support during the game. I'M SO SORRY NOCTIS]
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maybe this is why he'd been trying to be bold and with more conviction to begin with. milla...
maybe she doesn't get these things?
though noctis isn't sure he expects her to, either.]
There's... one more thing, though.
[about how he feels. that he wants her to understand—that he doesn't want to leave behind with with regrets. though for the moment, he doesn't move and allows for her to hold his hands this way (her hands are warm, and soft, and full of that same comfort).]
But—I think I should say sorry before I get to that part.
[because it's probably a bad idea, because she probably has seen no interest in this—
and probably because he won't be able to even handle this in a satisfactory way.]
So... sorry.
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Why would you apologize? There's no need to apologize for expressing gratitude and fondness.
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[he's gonna do it!
that's why.
but he doesn't quite say that. mostly because he doesn't really know how to say it. noct is bad with words—actions, those are slightly easier.
slightly.
and he's nervous, but even still, he pulls away one of his hands... only to bring it up and lightly brush the back of it against milla's cheek, brushing her hair back.
it's tentative, it's gentle, and what follows is him closing the gap between them, lightly and briefly pressing his lips to hers. it's incredible chaste and barely lasts long enough to be considered much of anything at all—
and then noctis steps back slightly, averting his gaze.
he tried?]
...Not exactly what a king should be doing with the Lord of Spirits.
[that's why he's apologizing, especially because... he kind of just did it. on his own.
(and now he's terribly embarrassed because he actually did the thing and he absolutely. you know, should not have?)]
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[just]
[happened, didn't it???]
[she knows what a kiss is. she's read books, seen people kiss in person, and she's not that naive. she's always been curious about the mechanics of same-- why do humans kiss? what does it feel like? what does it taste like? how does one person convey so many feelings in one simple gesture?]
[but despite that curiosity, she had never really thought much about trying to find someone to test it on herself. she always had other things to worry about, other duties to attend to, other paths to walk. so this?]
[this is entirely new to her]
[and for the first few seconds after he pulls away, she sort of stares up at him, eyes wide and cheeks red with a fully visible blush. she doesn't let go of his hand, but she doesn't speak either]
[GIVE HER A MOMENT. congratulations Noctis, you have rendered the Lord of Spirits speechless]
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noct knows that.
so seeing her shocked, with her cheeks flushed like...
well, a true human—
it ends up flustering noctis a bit too. his own cheeks are already a bit flushed, but now his gaze is shifting away fully, looking down at their hands.
she's a bit cuter than he expected, and that's a new feeling too.]
Um...
[he has no idea where to go from there, honestly. he thought out wanted to express his feelings to her in some way, and making sure she knew it sincerely—but he didn't think about the aftermath, because he already knows there's no way for this to work beyond what little time reminds in this terrible town.
but after having never told luna how he really felt, or getting to kiss her and express those feelings—he doesn't want to do that again, that's too unseemly, even for a guy like him.]
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[she feels human, as much as she might look it. it's honestly exhilarating.]
[she's suddenly acutely aware of how warm his hand is in hers, and she lifts her free one to press her fingers against her mouth. she's suddenly acutely aware of how nice it is to have him so close, and not just because she trusts him and considers him an ally. she's suddenly very acutely aware of how endearing he has been in every single conversation they've had, and that possibly (ha, only "possibly") he wasn't just thanking her for being supportive]
[is this what it really feels like? despite all of her reading, her books had never warned her for. . . well. this. for how the entire world can shift around you after something so simple as a kiss]
[she needs to say something]
-- oh!
[she starts, but keeps her hand pressed against her mouth. she's still staring, still wide-eyed, and still flustered]
I've. . . never done that before. [but. she liked it.] It was. . . wetter, than I imagined.
[GOD I'M SO SORRY NOCT]
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the silence is strange and a bit awkward—if nothing else, his actions do at least tell him that the choice he made is one he would have regretted not chasing. even if she were to have slapped him in the face instead...
at least noctis can know that he conquered his own problem with expressing himself enough to at least show milla that his care for her stretches a bit beyond the fact that they're allies.
but hey! his gaze shifts back to her when she raises her hand to her mouth...
(it's cute, and strangely so.)
she's so human at times that she doesn't even realize it, and that's... perhaps part of what caused noctis to be so intrigued by her to begin with. she's not human, but he guesses... maybe in some way, her heart is? it's strange and new, but it makes his own race a bit.]
It's... yeah. [words are hard.] Never... really did anything like that either.
[but he would've regretted it if he didn't, and the fact that milla isn't reacting poorly to it does kind of delight the part of him that isn't completely numb to everything else that's happened.]
But I would have regretted it if I didn't.
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[underneath her fingers, she smiles, possibly a little more brilliantly than she's ever smiled in Whole Ass before (except, maybe, when Yuna called her a sister)]
Interesting. . . so this is why. . . [she's mumbling a bit to herself, but she isn't trying to muffle her voice, so he can definitely still hear her] It isn't just the action itself, but everything that goes along with it. My heart is pounding. My stomach is fluttering. My cheeks feel very hot, and I'm a bit lightheaded.
It's-- [how does she describe this? she feels happy, very happy, but that doesn't seem like enough] -- breathtaking. Oh, but in a good way.
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the exhaustion and melancholy that's been lining his features for a while now seems to dissipate a little. now he knows for sure that there isn't any reason to regret this, that these feelings he's been harboring and pushing away—he's right to have chased them.]
...Was kind of expecting a flat rejection.
[he can tease a bit too, it seems. but mostly because... it's the first time in a while he's had something to be happy about, even if he's already more than aware that they can never really be together.
but noctis reaches for her other hand again, smiling at her.]
But you're always surprising. [he'll add:] In a good way.
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That's something I'll take as a compliment, of course.
[her surprise is fading, and he can see that patented Maxwell confidence returning to her expression]
And you're quite welcome to do it again, if you wish.
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she's okay with it, and even if it's only for this brief period of time, noctis realizes he wants to be with milla as much as he can.
(and that includes more of this.)]
Generous. The Lord of Spirits is benevolent in more ways than one. [he's teasing lightly, smiling more than he thinks he has in a while—outside of the few times he goofed off in bounty meetings, but this is definitely a bit different.
but he's not going to turn down her offer, instead leaning in to kiss her once more. it's more pronounced this time, a little more confident in action and not nearly as brief. he holds to her hands, shifting a bit to lace their fingers together before he draws back again.
...though this time, he keeps his face much closer to milla's, not very willing to pull back completely.]
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[this time, she leans into him in return, until their fingers are laced and their palms pressed together. when he pulls away, she chases until she's leaning her forehead against his, that smile still not leaving her lips]
[she feels so giddy. this is so strange. is this what humans feel like when they have a. . . crush?]
Hn. . .
[it's a thoughtful hum, and she keeps her voice low since they're already so close]
. . . Noctis. I have something I'd like to give you.
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it's really only right they reward themselves by allowing themselves at least this much happiness.
it may not be love, because it's too soon for that, but this is still harmless, a crush that's been worth chasing, and the fact that milla is chasing it too is a strange sort of relief for noct. so he embraces her actions, keeping their fingers laced for now and enjoying the way her forehead is pressed to his in this moment.]
...Something to give me? [that... is unexpected, but not unwelcome, though it's clear he's curious about it.]
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[she's forced to untangle herself from him, which is apparently a lot more difficult than it should be, if the way her hands linger in his even as she pulls away is any indication. but eventually she lets go and steps towards her bed to reach underneath her pillow. she pulls out a strange device (sans the crystal figure, which is missing)]
This is an aspyrixis. It's the item I had on my person when I first arrived here. When I was injured so badly I couldn't walk, this device restored to me the use of my legs.
[she takes another step towards him and reaches for his wrist. should he give it to her, she'll place the object in his palm and close his fingers around it]
It holds no intrinsic value, but for me, it's a reminder that I must always pick myself up and hold my head high. Even when I suffer setback after setback.
Please, take it. As a memento.
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until she hands it to him and she explains the meaning of the aspyrixis. this... was what allowed her to walk again.]
Milla... [he looks to her, clearly surprised as he processes that before his gaz falls upon the small device that now rests in his hand. maybe it has no intrinsic value like she says, but something that holds that much sentimental value...
that's not small decision to make.]
I'll keep it safe.
[he nods, before he's careful to tuck the item in his pocket, to indeed be kept safe. and then he reaches out for her again, with even more confidence than before, to cup her cheek in his hand.]
Something that important... I'll remember to pick myself up too with it.
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[and she knows he has a lot of difficulties waiting for him ahead if he returns home. when he returns home. perhaps. . . if she can't be there to support him in person, her memory can do that from afar.]
[at any rate, Noctis had better brace himself for some boldness, because now she's going to tilt her head into his hand, reach out, grab him by the front of the shirt, and pull him forward so she can kiss him instead]
[he may have created a monster]
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(though truthfully, it's likely he'll leave his jacket behind, because it's the closest memento he can give her in turn... but he doesn't have any fancy story to tell.)
but that can come later. or tomorrow.
for now... well, he's going to embrace the monster he's created, because milla's boldness is part of what he's always liked so much about her. how can he refuse it?
(he can't.)
instead, he'll let his hands drop to her waist resting there as he allows for this kiss. it's almost funny in a way, how quickly it can feel comfortable to do something like that once they're on the same page. it's new and thrilling, it's exciting—but it's all a good feeling.
embracing her convictions seems to have panned out pretty well for noctis too.]
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[no matter what the week might bring, no matter how hard they may come crashing down, no matter if they live or if they die in the end. . . at the very least, they'll always have this]
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she's giving him confidence, though, encouraging with her touch. it's electrifying in a way, new and exciting, and it makes noct pretty unwilling to break away from her at all. he went with his gut on this one, and it's paid off surprisingly well.
maybe it'll be one night. maybe two or three. maybe it'll be another two weeks. there's really no telling when this all may come to an end, but he feels gratitude for her willingness to embrace it. though eventually, he may have to come up for air, a little breathless and completely unwilling to break contact otherwise.]
Kind of... wish I'd brought myself to do this sooner. [he says quietly, though not displeased. if he has any regrets—he realizes it's that he shouldn't have waffled on this so long when this is a moment that is so good.]
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[her hum in response is thoughtful, but also pleased. very pleased. even if he did want to pull away he probably couldn't, considering the grip she has on him. HE IS TRAPPED. . . a good kind of trapped, but still]
I suppose. . . ah! Waiting so long makes you the shy type. [nod nod] The character who watches and admires his beloved from the shadows, who happens to be a cool and confident woman who is as strong as she is beautiful. They get swept up in adventures together, with the woman constantly saving him from danger and death.
Until she gets mortally injured, of course, and he has to save her in the end. And then she finally reciprocates his feelings, and--
[she pauses]
[she frowns]
Ah. No. Let's leave that last part out; I never liked it, anyway. Too. . . cliche? And it made no sense. Why would the woman need to be saved by the man who has a crush on her? I would have preferred it if that particular book had ended with her sweeping him off his feet.
[IS SHE. COMPARING HIM TO A ROMANCE NOVEL PROTAGONIST yes indeed she is, why is this happening]
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well, it's strangely charming, despite also being embarrassing. she's not wrong in many ways, after all—he's a shy type to a fault, and one who can't be cool and confident himself, so he looks up to those that are.
which fits milla to a t.
either way, he's still not complaining about being trapped like this. because it's milla... it doesn't feel very stifling at all. being close to her is something he's enjoying a lot, more than he realized he ever would.]
You... must really read a lot of romance stories or something, huh?
[he's embarrassed, but certainly amused as well. it seems like her, from everything he's learned up to now and her fascination with humans on the whole.
his head can't slightly to one side as his touch shifts, hands leaving her waist so they can clasp at the small of milla's back. it might be slightly more intimate this way but—well, he's not going to just remain totally static, either. milla's definitely a more adventurous type and he has to be forward in wanting to stay close, he thinks.
no regrets. she'll let him know if he crosses a line, noctis is sure of that much, at least.]
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Oh, of course! Passionate stories of human intimacy are my favorite. I feel as though it's taught me a lot about how humans navigate relationships with each other.
[although. . . she pauses thoughtfully, and the hand curled into his shirt loosens so she can press it against her still thudding heart]
Although I suppose not even books can prepare you for. . . everything.
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[it's the same for him; even if he was once betrothed—he'd also been separated from luna for 12 years. they didn't have any physical contact as adults, so these feelings and the exhilaration that accompany it are all new to him.]
How does it feel? Being in the place of one of those humans in your stories, I mean.
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[should she try to explain it in words? it's pretty difficult to do that when she isn't sure how. maybe. . . maybe it's just easier to keep the words to herself for now]
[she lifts her hand to trace the lines of his jaw and just. smiles. as though that's answer enough]
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Guess that's my turn to take it as a compliment.
[considering he wasn't expecting reciprocation at all.]
Well, maybe not "I guess." Pretty high compliment from a deity, for sure.
[perhaps one of the highest, considering she's not just the lord of spirits, but she's smart and beautiful and incredibly strong. his own heart is definitely racing from how thrilling it is, so noct will shift to reach up for milla's hand, guiding it over his chest so she can feel that much for herself. it could probably jump right out of his chest, in all honesty.]
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[her fingers curl against his chest, palm pressed over his rapidly beating heart, and he'll feel a slight push from the arm around his neck as she tries to draw him in for another kiss]
[enough talking, more kissing, they've only got so much time here gosh!!]
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it's all still a bit overwhelming, and maybe that's why he breaks to speak, but if milla wants more kisses? well...
more kisses she'll get, and it doesn't seem like noctis is very interested in holding back too much for her sake despite the smaller strides he's been taking to get there. but kissing milla is something that's fun and thrills him—which, after everything in the last few weeks, is nothing short of a miracle.
she'll have to be the one to initiate the break for air this time, because her encouragements do seem to push noctis in the right direction.]